Losing a parent is one of the most profound feelings of grief and loss. It can have life-changing consequences for children, but there are also implications for adults when they lose a parent.
According to one study, younger adults may be more affected than older adults.
There are so many feelings that you might experience when you lose a parent, even though most of us know that we will outlive our parents.
I’ve studied grief, helped people experiencing grief, and I know the grieving process from losing my parents. But all grief is different for different people.
Losing a parent is complex and is influenced by the time of loss, the relationship you had and the circumstances of the death.
If your parents are older and have poor health, the feelings may be different to losing a younger parent, especially if their death is sudden.
I write this blog to help adults who have lost a parent.
I hope it enables you to understand parental loss a little better.
I also offer things that can help if you are grieving over the loss of a parent.
Feeling 1. Overwhelming sadness and yearning when grieving a parent
If you had a good relationship with your parents, it is common to feel an overwhelming sense of yearning, sadness, and loss. This is because for so many years you have had them around, even if you were not living with them at the end.
Put this into perspective: if you are aged 50, you have had that link to your parent for a long time.
What makes it worse is that one parent can die and you get those feelings, but it is compounded by the loss of the second parent weeks, months or even a couple of years after losing the first one.
What might help: Try to remember the good times that you had with your parents. Looking at photographs might help, although they may also make you cry a little at first.
Feeling 2. Anger and frustration at losing a parent
Anger and frustration are other common feelings.
Here is a list of things that can trigger your anger and frustration when you lose one or both parents.
- A sudden, unexpected death. You might feel angry that they left you so quickly, without time to say goodbye or all the things you wanted to say.
- An unsatisfactory experience in a hospital or nursing home. Perhaps you are angry because you felt they didn’t properly care for your parent. You might want to make a complaint.
- A healthcare worker, carer, or other family member didn’t behave appropriately. Maybe you think that they contributed towards the loss.
- Self-anger. You blame yourself for not doing more. This can be before the death, during the last few days or weeks, or after the death with the arrangements.
What might help: If you feel angry, do some exercise, get out in the fresh air and go for a walk, or make something, like a cake or a piece of artwork.
Feeling 3. Anger and guilt around losing a parent
Anger is often linked to guilt.
You can feel guilty about all the above reasons for feeling angry, but you can also feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
Perhaps your anger is affecting your family, friends or work.
You feel guilty for not doing enough and get frustrated with yourself, but somehow your body is working much more slowly now.
If you had a complicated relationship with your parent, you could feel guilty for not going to see them or communicating in some way.
Some people feel guilty for being pleased that their parent has died. Now, there can be many reasons for that, including wanting their pain to go or wishing to have nothing to do with them.
What might help: Start journaling. This means writing down your thoughts and feelings in a book or on your electronic device. Make sure that this information is kept safe because you might not want to share your feelings at the moment.
Feeling 4. Guilt and regret around losing a parent
Guilt can be linked with regret.
There may be regret that you didn’t tell them that you loved them, or regret that you didn’t visit as often as you think you should have.
And now there may be regret that they are not going to share your life with them.
What might help: Write a letter to your parent. Say everything that you wanted to say to them when they were alive. You can then decide what to do with this. You can burn it, tear it up or keep it safe until you no longer need it.
Feeling 5. Shock and numbness
Often, when you first lose someone, it’s a shock. Your mind wants to deny that it has happened, as it’s too painful to think about. This is normal and can last for a few hours or days.
What might help: Take some time out for you. This may involve staying at home and not working for a few days.
Feeling 6. Anxiety and fear
Anxiety can be triggered by stress, or it can seem to appear from nowhere.
If you need to make all the arrangements and obtain the probate certificate, you may feel under pressure. If you have little support or ‘me’ time, the body feels under threat, the demands on your time build up, and you can feel anxious.
When you are anxious, you fear things more. So it might be a fear of being on your own, a fear of circumstances such as hospitals if your parent died in a hospital or fearof your family dying.
What might help: Do some deep-breathing exercises, go for a walk, and talk to trusted friends and family
If you are under a lot of pressure at work, see if you can delegate some tasks.
Feeling 7. Hope and healing over time
Bereavement is a natural process that makes us grieve.
It doesn’t have a timetable, but the thoughts and feelings associated with loss will improve over time as you learn to understand and cope.
Losing a parent can make us look at our lives from a different perspective. You might think about the most important values and beliefs that you have in life.
You might want to change your life in some way because you now value different things.
What may help: List all the things you are grateful for in your life and make plans for the future.
Contact me for more help
If you are struggling with the loss of one or both parents and you need help, I know you feel awful, so please get in touch with me. I specialise in helping people with grief and loss to feel so much better through bereavement counselling or hypnotherapy and counselling.
Book a free initial online consultation. It’s easy to ask me questions and find out more about my services. There is no sales pitch or pushy sales tactics, just an informative chat to find the right way forward for you.
Regards
Linda
