Today I had someone enquire about getting help for a relationship problem, and from the start, he described lots of stress and anxiety that was affecting his relationship.
Let me call him Jim (not his real name).
Jim was stressed at work.
The demands on his time were overwhelming. There was a high staff turnover, and people were expected to stay late if there were deadlines to meet. His work time was causing pressure in his private life. This made him feel frustrated. He wanted to earn enough money to support his family and to get that sense of achievement by doing a good job. But when he got in from work, all he seemed to do was argue with his partner. He told me that she added to his stress by sharing the difficult day she had had. He didn’t want sex. At home after work, he just wanted to chill out in front of his computer, start gaming, and then go to bed.
Later, I found out that because he worked such long hours, his partner felt that he was ignoring her. She felt lonely, craving adult conversation and the intimacy of her partner. She couldn’t communicate with him because he was always so tired when he got in.
Stress can lead to strained relationships and, in some cases, contribute to people splitting up.
What is stress?
How stressed are you?
Stress does have some good points.
- It keeps you motivated
- It helps you to get things done.
- It builds resilience.
- Short-term stress can help memory recall.
Stress is a normal reaction to life, but when it gets out of control, it becomes a problem.
Stress can be experienced as psychological issues or physical issues.
You might not even realise that you are under a lot of stress.
Here are some common effects of stress.
| Psychological | Physical |
| Worry | Insomnia |
| Anxiety | Indigestion |
| Fears | Back aches |
| Mental overload | Reduced libido |
| Anger | Overeating or undereating |
Common causes of stress
We are all different and respond to stress in different ways.
Similarly, the causes of stress will be different for different people; however, the common causes of stress are:
- Death and bereavement
- Moving house
- Changing jobs, or changing the work you do in your job
- Illness and family or friends who are ill
- Divorce
- Going on holiday
- Work problems
- Money problems
- Difficult relationships
- Perfectionism
- Negative self-talk
How stress affects you
Short-term effects of stress can be good because a bit of stress pushes you into action to meet deadlines and get things done. This is called eustress.
Many people also tolerate short-term stress. For example, if you have a deadline to meet next week, you’ll likely work hard to get past it and then relax the following week.
However, chronic stress can have a detrimental effect on the body.
Long-term effects of stress
Everyone can tolerate different levels of stress.
Imagine it like a bucket filling up with the demands of the day.
If you sleep well each night and have a work/life balance, your bucket never gets to overflowing, so your stress levels can be managed.
But if the demands never stop and your bucket is small, then you can quickly become overwhelmed, and your bucket will overflow.
When that stress level gets too high for months or years, it can have profound health implications.
For example, chronic stress can cause:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Eating disorders
- Headaches
- Muscle tension, e.g. backache
- Poor memory.
- Burnout.
Some research studies also suggest that stress has an impact on blood flow, which could contribute to heart attacks.
Specific causes of stress in relationships
Besides work demands, other stressors affect relationships. They include:
- Financial difficulties. This is worse if the couple has fallen into a spiral of debt.
- Lack of trust. This often happens if one or both have affairs and lie to each other.
- Parenting challenges. Although people want and love their children, children can cause stress in a family because they may have behavioural or emotional problems.
- Unsatisfactory living conditions. Small, noisy and unhappy environments can make one or both people feel stressed.
- Ill health of a family member or partner.
- Poor communication. Sometimes it’s the language used, or it can also be the lack of talking and understanding each other’s point of view.
- Other conflicts with family, friends or neighbours.
- Death and disasters.
- Moving house or changing jobs.
- Jealousy.
- Arguments. Sometimes disagreements need a discussion or a plan of action, not an argument.
- Sexual dissatisfaction.
- Drugs and alcohol.2
There are many more causes of stress in relationships.
The effects of stress and anxiety on intimate relationships
As Jim described, stress affects intimacy and sexual desire.
It takes over one’s mind, leading to reduced or nonexistent communication.
It makes you tired and aching, so you reduce or stop behaviours that you used to like doing together.
Especially if you don’t sleep well, you don’t want to do things together.
If one person is experiencing stress, the reactions and time given to listen will help or hinder coping mechanisms.
The quality of a relationship is often reflected in good communication.
What helps stress and anxiety in relationships
Firstly, couples need to recognise stress in themselves and each other.
Discuss any external stressors early.
Look after your health and wellbeing. Eat healthy foods and exercise.
Develop good routines, especially around enough sleep time.
Allocate time together. It might be a date night out or a chat over a meal.
Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking too much alcohol.
Reflect on the things you love about your partner and the things that attracted you to them.
Set aside time to communicate.
Get help if you are feeling stressed. Talk to your employee if it’s work stress, speak to your doctor if stress is affecting your health or speak to a counsellor if stress is having an impact on your relationship that you are struggling to address.
Finally…
If you are feeling stressed and want help, I would like to help.
I’m Linda form Awaken the Change. I provide help for all types of stress and anxiety. For a free consultation and to find out more book a complemantary initial consultation online.
